 Nerine Shatner Friendly House
This non profit organization is one of the nation's first residential
homes for women recovering from alcohol and substance abuse.
Donate
Here>>>
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Hollywood
Charity
Horse Show
For the past eleven years, William Shatner has spearheaded the HCHS
which features some of the best western reining riders in the country
while simultaneously raising money for charity.
Donate
Here>>>
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William
Shatner also
Supports:
 March
of
Dimes Canada
 The Jewish
National Fund
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Post subject: Afternoon joke
 Posted: Sep 22, 2008 - 06:18 PM
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Member
Joined: Feb 02, 2003
Posts: 3983
Location: Walthamstow
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Someone has chopped all the heads off of my Daffodils.......
I think it was a Stalker |
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 - 02:10 PM
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Member
Joined: Sep 18, 2004
Posts: 5199
Location: standing here shaking my head in disbelief....
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WARNING: ADULT THEME...... 
A Pennsylvania farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked
on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes,’ and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
The lady asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.' |
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When you try to make others look small, you only show how truly tiny your own spirit is.
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 - 05:12 PM
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Member
Joined: Feb 02, 2003
Posts: 3983
Location: Walthamstow
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What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?
Run over. |
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 - 05:45 PM
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Member
Joined: Nov 12, 2004
Posts: 9206
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New Perspective...
After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television.
But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair."
His wife was a reasonable woman.
She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."
The man rethought his priorities. |
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Knowledge is power....
but if used unwisely,
it will destroy you.
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 - 06:42 PM
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Member
Joined: Feb 02, 2003
Posts: 3983
Location: Walthamstow
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All castles had one major weakness.
The enemy used to get in through the gift shop. |
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 24, 2008 - 05:42 PM
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Member
Joined: Feb 02, 2003
Posts: 3983
Location: Walthamstow
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Two guys went to the gym for a workout. As they undressed beforehand, the first guy saw that his pal was wearing a corset beneath his shirt;
''Since when the Hell have you been wearing a corset?''
''Since my wife found it in the car.'' |
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 25, 2008 - 03:31 AM
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Member
Joined: Sep 18, 2004
Posts: 5199
Location: standing here shaking my head in disbelief....
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The 12 Opossums (or the Bible according to kids)
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me alight!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Hesston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my Mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontiac the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
There! Now you understand!  
Kids.... you gotta love them! |
_________________
When you try to make others look small, you only show how truly tiny your own spirit is.
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