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Post subject: I Could Use A Little Advice
 Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 03:36 AM
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Member
Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 3380
Location: New Jersey USA
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About my 16 year old. The kid is going to put me in my grave, I swear. Not that overall she's a bad kid. She's an honor role student with a ton of nice friends. She doesn't drink, smoke, etc. What she doesn't do either is work. Either at home or outside of home.
(This is not the one I just bought the motorcycle for. Bridget is a breeze, loves to work with me, helps out all the time, watches her baby sister, and can't wait til she's old enough to work.)
Mary turned 16 last November. She initially wanted to get her drivers permit, but I told her that she would have to find a job and make at least the insurance payment on a car. Not that she had to buy a car, since my aunt & uncle were going to give her their old Plymouth. All she had to do is make up the difference in my insurance payment. Her excuse was she didn't want to get a job during the school year because she didn't want to screw up her grades. OK, I bought that one. Well, it's almost August, and she has yet to even attempt to find employment. We live is a fairly urban environment here, and she could easily walk to town. Instead she sits on her ass. And she isn't helping me around the house either. Her chores go undone daily.
The past couple of days I have been working on the kitchen floor. Taking out layers of old linolium and putting in new base flooring. So I had to pull the stove and refrigerator out to get to the sub floor underneth. She was, as usual, sitting on the computer in the dining room. The appliances were filthy from not being moved in a long time, and I was busy working, so I asked her to clean them. And she said "no". Just like that. Can you imagine? I completely lost it. I told her she was a lazy ..., and with that she turned to me and said, no you're the lazy one.....OMG. If I was still a drinker I probably would of physically hurt her right then and there...I have an awful temper. TG I can deal with it now that I have a few years of sobriety under my belt. I didn't say a word, got my keys and left the house.
When I'd calmed down enough, I went back home, called my relatives and told them to donate the car to charity. I called her down from her room and read her the riot act. She is no longer entitled to computer privledges, television, I took her cell, and she is cut off from my money. Period. And that means no allowance and no more running her around with my gas. She can sit in her room. And that's exactly what she did today. I haven't seen her at all. At lunch I ordered a pizza and sent Bridget up to her room with a slice. Then while I was just out on the bike, her sisters told me that she came down and had something to eat. And that she plans on avoiding me altogether. She must of either come down in the night last night and took food up there, or she's starving. And she has a bath so I know she has water.
Ok, I think I did the right thing by cutting her off from all the services that "I" pay for, but what should I do next? I don't want this to become a stand off, but I'm NOT going to cave like I normally do either. She needs to do something to earn her way. I don't care if it's babysitting at this point, I just want her to show some initiative.
Any suggestions? I'm sitting in my garage at the moment just because I don't want to be in the house. ARGH! This is so frustrating! |
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Speaking as an enourmously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those that want to kill me, don't you? - Alan Shore
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 03:40 AM
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Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 7911
Location: CA
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WAIT it out...She's as stubborn as her...DAD  |
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 04:33 AM
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Member
Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 5596
Location: Corn country in Illinois
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you did the right thing in taking away stuff from her. If my oldest wants anything she either works here for it or she gets it from her boy friend to buy some thing for her instead of me.
Her cell phone is gone and she is limited on what she can watch around here.
Mary needs to know that she needs to do her fair share of things around the house and she is NOT to tell you "No'. The only time a parent should be told no is if the parent wants the kid to do some thing really wrong or harm some one. 
DianaG |
_________________
LT. Star Fleet Ship's Chaplain/Councelor, USSBlackhawk
"Jesus said to her I am the Resurrection and the Life ..." John 11:25
"O Death where is thy sting?.... the Victory is thru Jesus Christ." I Cor. 15:54-56
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 04:36 AM
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Member
Joined: Nov 12, 2004
Posts: 8933
Location: New England
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| Perhaps she is also jealous of the you know what. |
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 04:51 AM
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Member
Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 3380
Location: New Jersey USA
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| Mirizor wrote: | | Perhaps she is also jealous of the you know what. |
It's a definite possibility, but the reason her sister got what she wanted was that she earned it. Bridget works for everything she gets. If she wants me to get her something, she will work long and hard to earn it. There is no entitlement attitude like her sister has.
Actually, Bridget can't wait to start laying tile in the kitchen with me tomorrow. She wants to learn how to use the wet saw. She's been landscaping the property with me all spring. And she has no bad attitude. Not that I love her any more than her older sister, I just appreciate that she has innitiative. Mary has none, and she has to learn. |
_________________
Speaking as an enourmously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those that want to kill me, don't you? - Alan Shore
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 05:07 AM
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Member
Joined: Nov 12, 2004
Posts: 8933
Location: New England
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| CaptJTK wrote: | | Mirizor wrote: | | Perhaps she is also jealous of the you know what. |
It's a definite possibility, but the reason her sister got what she wanted was that she earned it. Bridget works for everything she gets. If she wants me to get her something, she will work long and hard to earn it. There is no entitlement attitude like her sister has.
Actually, Bridget can't wait to start laying tile in the kitchen with me tomorrow. She wants to learn how to use the wet saw. She's been landscaping the property with me all spring. And she has no bad attitude. Not that I love her any more than her older sister, I just appreciate that she has innitiative. Mary has none, and she has to learn. |
Yes, she does have to learn you can't get anything sitting on your butt. |
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 05:52 AM
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Member
Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 5596
Location: Corn country in Illinois
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| Mirizor wrote: | | CaptJTK wrote: | | Mirizor wrote: | | Perhaps she is also jealous of the you know what. |
It's a definite possibility, but the reason her sister got what she wanted was that she earned it. Bridget works for everything she gets. If she wants me to get her something, she will work long and hard to earn it. There is no entitlement attitude like her sister has.
Actually, Bridget can't wait to start laying tile in the kitchen with me tomorrow. She wants to learn how to use the wet saw. She's been landscaping the property with me all spring. And she has no bad attitude. Not that I love her any more than her older sister, I just appreciate that she has innitiative. Mary has none, and she has to learn. |
Yes, she does have to learn you can't get anything sitting on your butt. |
I can say amen to that one!!!
DianaG |
_________________
LT. Star Fleet Ship's Chaplain/Councelor, USSBlackhawk
"Jesus said to her I am the Resurrection and the Life ..." John 11:25
"O Death where is thy sting?.... the Victory is thru Jesus Christ." I Cor. 15:54-56
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 06:01 AM
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Member
Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 3380
Location: New Jersey USA
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Update: While I was on the IM tonight with my good friends Mirizor and Diana, I found out that Mary had snuck downstairs while I was in the garage. She took one of the X-Files DVD's down to the family room in the cellar, and she was watching TV!
I called her upstairs, took the DVD (which she had hidden in a CD case), and then took her IPod. Now she doesn't have her music.
The X-Files DVD's are now in locked in my room.
This is war now.  |
_________________
Speaking as an enourmously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those that want to kill me, don't you? - Alan Shore
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 06:11 AM
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Member
Joined: Nov 12, 2004
Posts: 8933
Location: New England
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| My guess is she is pushing your buttons to see how far you'll go in this "war". |
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 06:16 AM
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Member
Joined: Feb 12, 2005
Posts: 9689
Location: I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.--Abraham Lincoln
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| At 16, young women are experiencing a lot of changes both physically and emotionally. There may be another reason for her acting out. I don't mean to be nosy, but is her mother still in the picture somewhere? If not then perhaps she needs another woman to talk to. Is there someone you know who could be a listening partner for her? |
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Let's do it as a memorial to Joyce Mason
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 06:36 AM
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Member
Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 3380
Location: New Jersey USA
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| SMB wrote: | | At 16, young women are experiencing a lot of changes both physically and emotionally. There may be another reason for her acting out. I don't mean to be nosy, but is her mother still in the picture somewhere? If not then perhaps she needs another woman to talk to. Is there someone you know who could be a listening partner for her? |
No, their mother walked out on us when my youngest was only 5 months old. She had some major problems, and is not allowed by the courts to have any contact with my girls. So they left them with me. Not that I was any better for many years........
They are very close with my sister though, and that's why we are always either on the road to Virginia, or Ann's here in Jersey. They talk alot on the phone too. Ann has pretty much been their mother over the years. She never married and has no children of her own. But Mary's been acting out with her too, and Ann had to put her in her place this past weekend. I was glad to see it.
My elderly aunt used to have a very active part in their lives, but she has recently found that her cancer has returned and had to retreat to get well. The kids don't know about the cancer, so I know that can't be part of this.
It's not easy. And I really don't know what to do. |
_________________
Speaking as an enourmously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those that want to kill me, don't you? - Alan Shore
Last edited by CaptJTK on Jul 31, 2008 - 06:49 AM; edited 1 time in total
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 06:46 AM
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Member
Joined: Feb 12, 2005
Posts: 9689
Location: I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.--Abraham Lincoln
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Sometimes you just have to hang ten and ride the wave. We are all here for you buddy.
Perhaps Paul needs to start a cadet section. A place for the younger crowd to gather and talk about stuff. But, then again, they may not want to be around us old foggies.   |
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Let's do it as a memorial to Joyce Mason
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 06:52 AM
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Member
Joined: Nov 13, 2002
Posts: 20661
Location: The Netherlands
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Have you asked Bridget wether she knows of a reason why Mary is acting up on you lately ?
Usualy sisters talk about things parents dont have a CLUE about !
You could ask at school IF something has been noticed there as well.
And finaly...is she acting up since she had that date ?
I mean some girls feel so mature after they started dating that they think they KNOW it all !!!
And like Sue Mary said.....we are here for you ! |
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vampyregirl |
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 09:45 AM
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Joined: Oct 26, 2002
Posts: 631
Location: Toledo, Ohio, USA
Status: Offline
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I applaud your restraint!!!!! If I had done that with my parents, I would have gotten a smack across the face.
You are doing the right thing. Taking away privileges is hard, but you have to do it. Give her a few days, then sit her down and tell her you are setting up a chore chart. If she completes the things on the chart, give her back 1 privilege a week. If she complains about it, says that she is not a child, tell her to stop acting like a 5 year old!!!
At her age, I was doing my laundry, plus most of the rest of the family's!! I also had to mow the lawn!! My parents didn't buy us any of the items people get for their kids today. I had to buy my own records, tapes, videos, etc. A phone in my room??? Go out and get your own!!!
And you know what??? To this day I am very grateful that my parents didn't buy me everything I wanted. I had to earn things for myself and learn the value of money. I know how to budget my money as well.
My cousins (3 of them anyway-siblings) were given any and everything they wanted. Cars, phones, computers.... All 3 of them have money problems. They have no clue on how to make out a budget.
It's going to be a struggle for you, but I'm rooting for ya!!!!! |
_________________
"I've hardly seen you at all this episode" -- Denny Crane
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 31, 2008 - 02:07 PM
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Member
Joined: Oct 24, 2002
Posts: 5596
Location: Corn country in Illinois
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| CaptJTK wrote: | Update: While I was on the IM tonight with my good friends Mirizor and Diana, I found out that Mary had snuck downstairs while I was in the garage. She took one of the X-Files DVD's down to the family room in the cellar, and she was watching TV!
I called her upstairs, took the DVD (which she had hidden in a CD case), and then took her IPod. Now she doesn't have her music.
The X-Files DVD's are now in locked in my room.
This is war now. |
Good war move on your part and she wiill have to know that you arent goofing around with this and DON"T back down.
hopefully she wont dig herself into a hole any deeper. but if she does it's no ones fault but hers and not yours...
Hang in there Steve you are doing the right thing and don't feel bad about doing it.
DianaG |
_________________
LT. Star Fleet Ship's Chaplain/Councelor, USSBlackhawk
"Jesus said to her I am the Resurrection and the Life ..." John 11:25
"O Death where is thy sting?.... the Victory is thru Jesus Christ." I Cor. 15:54-56
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