 Nerine Shatner Friendly House
This non profit organization is one of the nation's first residential
homes for women recovering from alcohol and substance abuse.
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Here>>>
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Hollywood
Charity
Horse Show
For the past eleven years, William Shatner has spearheaded the HCHS
which features some of the best western reining riders in the country
while simultaneously raising money for charity.
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William
Shatner also
Supports:
 March
of
Dimes Canada
 The Jewish
National Fund
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| Author |
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Seamus |
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Post subject: Do you smell that?!
 Posted: Jul 09, 2007 - 03:15 PM
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Joined: Feb 22, 2006
Posts: 1410
Location: Most likely not where you are!
Status: Offline
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A MAN WITH A PASSION
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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REVENGE IS SWEET
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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SILENT BUT DEADLY
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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EGGS OVER EASY?
A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps."
This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook.
The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes.
The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans.
"Hey, this aint what I ordered," he bellows.
"Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up"
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DOC CURES RARE DISORDER
A man goes to visit his doctor,
"Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"
"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.
"They make a HONDA sound"
The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man
The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"
"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man
"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
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MAN BITES DOG
A nervous young man, keen to impress, is visiting his future in laws for the very first time.
After a huge Sunday Lunch they are all relaxing in the lounge when the young man lets off a real ripsnorter. The father gets up and shouts at the dog, "Get out Rex, get out!"
"Phew," thinks the young man, "They thought it was the dog,"
Next time he doesn't even try to hold it in and again the father shouts at the dog, "Rex, Out, Out,"
The third time the young man had grown in confidence and releases a huge rumbling air biscuit at which the father jumps up and shouts,
"Get out Rex, quick before he s***ts all over you"
And with that... my noxious mayhem is complete.
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Johnny_Turbo |
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 10, 2007 - 08:55 PM
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Member
Joined: Jan 14, 2003
Posts: 5445
Location: Chillville, PA
Status: Offline
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Now, they were good! Seamus, here's one of the great vocalists of our time!! Man, can this guy sing!! It's the 3rd, selection, "You're So Vein" and the vocal talent is amazing.
http://www.oddcouple.info/oddcouplesings.html |
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C'mon, The Tanner, check his I.D.
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Seamus |
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 12, 2007 - 07:45 AM
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Member
Joined: Feb 22, 2006
Posts: 1410
Location: Most likely not where you are!
Status: Offline
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| Johnny_Turbo wrote: | Now, they were good! Seamus, here's one of the great vocalists of our time!! Man, can this guy sing!! It's the 3rd, selection, "You're So Vein" and the vocal talent is amazing.
http://www.oddcouple.info/oddcouplesings.html |
Please reference this joke again... especially the punchline...
SILENT BUT DEADLY
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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