What am I talking about, you may ask. What is paintball, and why the heck did 1500 people show up in Joliet, Illinois to shoot these things at each other? Well, in case you didn't know, paintball is just about the most fun game you'll ever play. And August 31 was the date that we all got together to raise money for the Hollywood Charity Horse Show.

It started four years ago, when I met JJ Brookshire and we tried to organize a game of paintball for The Hollywood Charity Horse Show. Since we were concerned that people and horses would get splattered with paint, we decided to try and move the game to a separate venue. Over the course of many meetings, we came up with the idea of Spplat Attack, to be held in Joliet. Creative Light, the company that brings you this website, came on board to film a DVD of the event. Before we knew it, Spplat Attack had become a major event. And a major event it turned out to be!

The teams were divided up into three units - the Federation (led by Captain Shatner - that's me, in case you were wondering), the Borgs (led by paintball guru Tom Kaye), and the Klingons (led by Chicago DJ, Mancow). The game started out with the Federation sweeping many points, thus taking the lead. We knew that there would be subterfuge and enemy intelligence and confounding plans abounding, but nobody thought that the Klingons and the Borgs would unite against the Federation, but that's exactly what happened, the scurrilous beasts! They managed to close the point gap so that the Federation looked like it was in danger.

Of course, the Federation succeeded in completing several "missions;" that is, several tasks that, if completed, would win us extra points. For example, we had to get the number on the back of a statue in the middle of enemy territory. We had to sign their enemy flags which flew at their headquarters. One of our team members, Pacman, even made a daring insertion into enemy territory in order to deliver a "relic" to the appointed place.

These missions helped us with the point spread, but we were also surrounded by the enemy at one point late in the game. The "Red Shirt Brigade" flew into action, protecting me with their very lives (again and again, as every time you were hit you had to sit it out for 15 minutes). Everyone got hit except me. That's right, your Captain Shatner was cowering under a log!

But I rallied, as did the rest of the Federation team. I convinced the Klingon commander (Klingcow, as I preferred to call him) that the only way he had a chance of winning was to align with the Federation. He didn't know that I was secretly planning to assassinate him. This might seem a bit harsh, but if either the Klingons or Borgs won, the Big Giant Head (yes, you read it correctly) would award them weapons of mass destruction. Only the Federation would be honorable enough to destroy such weapons, so it was imperative that we win.

The final battle took place in a bombed out city called Armageddon. I led a charge over the hill like Teddy Roosevelt! That's when I got peppered by innumerable paintballs. My goggles got splattered. My chest filled with welts, and my thighs burned with fatigue. But we overcame the enemy. The Federation won. The Universe was safe. And the Big Giant Head was sent home!

I was so impressed with all the colorful people that came to play, and with the generosity of the volunteers who helped put the game on. There were people there from all over the world, and I only wish I could have gotten to know all of them.

But the best part was we made a princely sum for the charity. Better yet, everyone is talking about making it an annual event. Some people said it was the best paintball experience of their lives! So next year, when Spplat Attack is announced, I hope you'll be able to come, because it's a terrific sport. Most of all, it's terrific people that play it.